Voldemort and the Soul Sucker 3000
by HalfSlash
Summary: Ron, check this out! Voldemort fried himself on the dog fence and now he thinks he's a girl! Now with mandatory karaoke as Snape confesses his secret crush, Neville gets dissed, Cho gets sad and Draco hits puberty!
1. Act 1 Scene 1 In the Beginning

Friends, readers, fellow fanfiction writers! Lend me your attention for the duration of this story! For your reference, I don't own these characters. The collective of the writers that have written slash in this section own most of the ideas. Except maybe the dog fence and the body switch, but let's not give away too much of the story. This was not meant to single anyone out or ridicule anyone in particular. It's just a parody. And I am just a bad writer with too much time on their hands.  
  
Act 1 Scene 1 In the Beginning  
  
Once upon a time, about two weeks ago in the haunted castle at 6 Privet Drive, Voldemort and his minions sat brainstorming the main conflict for Harry Potter's sixth year at Hogwarts.  
  
Voldemort: We're going to unleash a plague of pink muskrats on the school? Is that really the best you can do?  
  
Malfoy: You're the one who made us spend all last year chasing a little ball. Voldemort: If you don't quit contradicting me, I'll go back in time and make your mother marry a Muggle!  
  
Bellatrix: What? One generation of non inbreeding won't make that third eye he had removed go away.  
  
Pettigrew: *laughs, looking out the window*  
  
Malfoy: Why do you think that's so funny? We're related you nimwit!  
  
Pettigrew: No, it's not that.  
  
Bellatrix: Then what?  
  
Pettigrew: There's a boy next door mowing his lawn in a pink dress! And it SOOO clashes with his bonnet!  
  
All crowd around the window.  
  
Voldemort: O.O It's Harry Potter!!!  
  
Avery: Let's get him!  
  
Voldemort: You're dead. Go away.  
  
Avery: Oh yeah..  
  
Avery disappears.  
  
Voldemort: That reminds me. Aren't you all supposed to be in Azkaban?  
  
Malfoy: Oops.  
  
All disappear except for Voldemort. He gets his wand out and takes the elevator down from the second floor of his haunted house.  
  
Harry: I know Aunt Petunia always wanted a girl to help her with stuff, but this has honestly gone too far!  
  
Voldemort: So, we meet again.  
  
Harry: O_O Shit.  
  
Voldemort: You don't even have your wand? Oh well. That's not going to help you. Harry: It did last time, but I'll be too dense to mention it. But I don't think it would have. I usually wouldn't meet you for another 700 pages or so. So this must be it.  
  
Voldemort: Any last requests?  
  
Harry: Yes in fact. Can you let me change out of this dress? It would be quite humiliating to be caught dead wearing it.  
  
Voldemort: *sigh* Very well.  
  
Harry runs inside, changes into other stuff and comes back outside.  
  
Voldemort: . I don't think I can reach you from here.  
  
He opens the gate, but trips over the dog fence and electrocutes himself.  
  
Greece, 3000 BC  
  
Aries: You know, you shouldn't try blow drying your hair in a thunderstorm. You could get struck by lightning or something!  
  
Aphrodite: Oh shut up. You're just jealous because you don't have any hair to dry. Aries: Hey!  
  
Aphrodite: Don't think there isn't a single god or goddess on Olympus or anywhere that doesn't know you only wear that battle helmet all the time because you went bald last century.  
  
Aries: If I were you I would get out of here right now! I've already warned you about the lightning so it's fair ground for foreshadowing! And also it could cause a rift in the time space continuum that will make you switch bodies with someone being electrocuted at the same time except 5000 years in the future! It could create a new and utterly horrible music genre also known as country! It could bring about the end of the world as we know it! It could.  
  
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Aries: Do something like that.  
  
5000 years later, 4 Privet Drive  
  
Aphrodite: Where am I? Why is my voice so low? Who are you?  
  
Dumbledore: You're at 4 Privet Drive somewhere in England. Your voice is low because you're in a male's body. And that's Harry Potter.  
  
Harry: What are you doing here?  
  
Dumbledore: I was assuming you would want an explanation for Voldemort switching bodies with the ancient Greek goddess Aphrodite. You see, that magic I told you about last month wasn't as complicated as I made it seem. It's just a dog fence set to fry anyone who looks like a snake.  
  
Harry: Then why didn't it go off when Aunt Petunia was near it?  
  
Dumbledore: Good question. I'll be leaving now.  
  
Dumbledore disappears while Aphrodite has a nervous breakdown.  
  
Aphrodite: EEEEkk!! I'm soo ugly!! *sob*  
  
Harry: You're right about that, but does this mean you're not going to kill me now? Aphrodite: Why would I want to do that?  
  
Harry: No reason. If it's any consolation, you've got magic powers.  
  
Aphrodite: So? I had those before.  
  
Harry: But now you've got hoards of evil minions.  
  
Aphrodite: Cool!  
  
Harry: But they're all in Azkaban or dead.  
  
Aphrodite: Oh.  
  
Harry: But the dementors will let them out if you tell them to.  
  
Aphrodite: Okay! Where's Azkaban?  
  
Harry: Beats me. Ron might know thought. Excuse me while I call him.  
  
Luckily, the Weasleys' number was listed, thought it was misplaced under "Plumbers". At the Burrow..  
  
The telephone rings.  
  
Mr. Weasley: Molly! The fellytone is ringing! I think it's possessed!  
  
Mrs. Weasley: Nonsense! Who would want to make it ring?  
  
Mr. Weasley: Maybe it was Miss Suzie's bell.  
  
Mrs. Weasley: What?  
  
Mr. Weasley: You know. Miss Suzie had a steeple, the steeple had a bell, the steeple went to heaven, the bell it went to hello operator, give me number nine, and if you do not like me, I'll chop off your behind the frigerator, there was a piece of glass, Miss Suzie sat upon it, and broke her little, ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies, the boys are in the bathroom, zipping up their flies are in the meadow, the bees are in the hive, Miss Suzie and her boyfriend, are kissing in the D-A-R-K D-A-R-K dark dark dark as in the ocean, .  
  
Ron: Oh, give me that! It's not possessed! It just means someone is trying to call us! Mrs. Weasley: Oh.  
  
Mr. Weasley: Now I have to start all over again! Oooooohhhhh!!!!1 Miss Suzie had a steeple, the steeple had a bell, the steeple went to heaven, the bell it went to hello operator.  
  
Mrs. Weasley: Oh shut it!  
  
Harry: What the?  
  
Ron: Harry! What's up?  
  
Harry: You've got to check this out! Voldemort fried himself on the dog fence and now he thinks he's a girl!  
  
Ron: O_O AWSOME!!! This I've got to see!! Mom! Dad!! I'm going to Harry's to see how You-Know-Who is handling his newfound femininity!  
  
Mrs. Weasley: Okay! We'll just be getting an exorcist for the fellytone!  
  
End Scene 1 


	2. Act 1 Scene 2 Beginning of the Middle

Scene 2: Greece 3000 BC  
  
Aries: Hate to say I told you so.  
  
Voldemort: Told me what? Where am I? Why does my voice sound all high and girlish? Aries: o_O I think the lightning might have fried your brains.  
  
Voldemort: Is there a mirror anywhere around here?  
  
Aries: Now I know you're nuts! You had the location of every mirror from here to Mesopotamia memorized before! Here.  
  
Aries hands Voldemort a mirror.  
  
Voldemort: O_O Man, I feel like a woman.  
  
Cue music for the mandatory songfic portion of any slash fic. (by Fountains of Wayne) Stacy's mom has got it going on  
  
Stacy's mom has got it going on  
  
Stacy's mom has got it going on  
  
Stacy's mom has got it going on  
  
Stacy can I come over after school (after school)  
  
We can hang out by the pool (by the pool)  
  
Aries: What does this song have to do with anything that's going on here?!  
  
Did your mom get back from her business trip? (business trip)  
  
Is she there? Or is she trying to give me the slip? (give me the slip)  
  
You know I'm not the little boy that I used to be  
  
Voldemort: Absolutely nothing. That's slash songfics for you.  
  
I'm all grown up now baby can't you see  
  
Stacy's mom has got it going on  
  
She's all I want and I've waited for so long  
  
Stacy can't you see you're just not the girl for me  
  
I know it might be wrong but I'm in love with Stacy's mom  
  
Aries: But you're a girl so it can't be slash! I'm saved!!  
  
Stacy's mom has got it going on  
  
Stacy's mom has got it going on  
  
Stacy do you remember when I mowed your lawn? (mowed your lawn)  
  
Your mom came out with just a towel on (towel on)  
  
Voldemort: Well, not exactly.  
  
I could tell she liked me from the way she stared  
  
And the way she said "You missed a spot over there."  
  
Aries: What do you mean?  
  
I know you think it's just a fantasy  
  
Voldemort: It seems I switched bodies with Aphrodite when I shocked myself on Harry Potter's dog fence. My name is really Voldemort, but you can call me the Dark Lord, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named or You-Know-Who.  
  
But since your dad walked out your mom could use a guy like me  
  
Aries: Can I just call you Voldie?  
  
Voldie: *sigh* Okay.  
  
Stacy's mom has got it going on  
  
She's all I want and I've waited for so long  
  
Stacy can't you see you're just not the girl for me  
  
I know it might be wrong but I'm in love with Stacy's mom  
  
Aries: Oh shit. Out of all the people to switch with, why did it have to be a goddess of love?  
  
Voldie thinks to himself with a maniacal grin.  
  
Voldie: Thank you, stupid author for the slash opportunity!  
  
Stacy's mom has got it going on  
  
She's all I want and I've waited for so long  
  
Stacy can't you see you're just not the girl for me  
  
I know it might be wrong but I'm in love with Stacy's mom  
  
Note from the Author: The following scene has been rated NC-17 by those pesky anti-slash people who hate slash but just read it so they can flame it.  
  
Stuff goes on that you don't want to know about.  
  
End NC-17 zone.  
  
Aries: ..  
  
Voldie: .  
  
Aries: Was it good for you?  
  
Voldie: Yeah! I should electrocute myself more often!  
  
Aries: But there's something I don't understand.  
  
Voldie: What's that?  
  
Aries: How did this story go from PG to NC-17 and back in about 10 seconds, depending on the speed of the reader?  
  
Voldie: Beats me. Imitation of typical slash fics?  
  
Aries: Yeah, that's probably it.  
  
Voldie: We're running out of things to say here. Our relationship is disintegrating. Aries: The scene should probably end now.  
  
Voldie: Good point.  
  
End Scene 2 


	3. Act 1 Scene 3 Middle of the Middle

Act 1 Scene 3  
  
At Hogwarts in Snape's dungeon  
  
Snape: September 1, whatever year it is, a day that will live in infamy.  
  
McGonagall: Because yet another Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher that beat you to a job starts then?  
  
Snape: No. Those damned students come back.  
  
McGonagall: If I didn't know better, I would say that you just pretend to hate them out of insecurity.  
  
Snape: Oh, quit being so jealous.  
  
McGonagall: Just checking.  
  
Snape looks at his arm.  
  
Snape: That's odd.  
  
McGonagall: What's odd besides your flimsy cover?  
  
Snape: Quiet you. The Dark Lord has been replacing the Dark Mark with obscene messages.  
  
McGonagall comes over and looks at his arm.  
  
McGonagall: O_O Oh my.  
  
Snape: O.O I never would have known!  
  
McGonagall: How much does the Daily Prophet pay for articles again?  
  
Snape: A hell of a lot.  
  
McGonagall: Then I'm going to get rich on your day of infamy.  
  
Snape: And how do you plan on doing that?  
  
McGonagall whispers in Snape's ear.  
  
Snape: Ha ha. I never did like that girl. So arrogant of her to trap another person when the same could just as easily have been done to her. But isn't the time period over?  
  
McGonagall: Yes, but luckily in these stories no one notices details like that unless it's their tenth time reading it.  
  
Snape: That works. But since you got the information through MY Dark Mark, you'll give me some of the money, right?  
  
McGonagall: Yeah, whatever.  
  
Snape: Yes! I can finally but that set of Star Trek figures!  
  
McGonagall: You're a Trekkie? I'll be sure to add that in too!  
  
Snape: No you won't! But do you want to do this or not? I can only stand looking at you for so long.  
  
Guess what happens there. Then see the scene at 4 Privet Drive.  
  
Harry: Okay, okay. Now write "Dudley Dursley works for the mob."  
  
Aphrodite: But why would they hire him?  
  
Harry: I don't know, just write it!  
  
Aphrodite: Okay, okay.  
  
Aphrodite changes the message on her/his arm.  
  
Meanwhile in Azkaban, the prison is empty except for the Death Eaters.  
  
Malfoy: Dudley Dursley works for the mob?  
  
Nott: Who's Dudley Dursley? And what is this "mob" thing?  
  
Crabbe: Beats me.  
  
Goyle: He sounds cool.  
  
Malfoy: As usual, you two don't know anything.  
  
Macnair: Where do you think the dementors are?  
  
Bellatrix: Didn't the Dark Lord say he was using them to get Harry Potter?  
  
Macnair: Yes, that would explain a lot.  
  
Ten minutes pass. Crabbe and Goyle are staring off into space, Malfoy plays tic-tac-toe on the wall and Macnair fantasizes about blood while drooling in a steady stream down his chin.  
  
Macnair: Mmm..death.  
  
Bellatrix: Did it ever occur to you that we could just leave whenever we wanted? There's no dementors to stop us.  
  
Malfoy: They locked the door before they left.  
  
Bellatrix: What?! Why would they do that?! Doesn't the Dark Lord want us anymore? Nott: Maybe he doesn't like us anymore because we abandoned him to save our asses, then allowed a malnourished excuse for a preteen, or teen more recently to stop him from returning to power five times in the same amount of years, then almost let him get caught by Dumbledore. It's not like we really helped him in the first place. He's almost better off with us in here.  
  
Malfoy: That was just depressing, man. Why do you have to be so melodramatic? All except Nott start crying.  
  
Macnair: Nooo!! I'm not seriously detrimental to human existence any longer! I've lost my will to live!  
  
Rookwood: Anybody got a razor? I've got some musically accompanied self mutilation to do.  
  
Nott: Here you go.  
  
Nott digs into his robes and takes out about twenty razors, guns, all of their wands and anything else a character destined for suicide would need.  
  
Nott: I never thought being a kleptomaniac would pay off so.  
  
Malfoy: Excellent.  
  
Malfoy gets up on the bench/bed.  
  
Malfoy: And now, my last musical number. FOREVER!!! Or at least until I get resurrected or return as a ghost, depending on how the plot goes.  
  
(Last Resort by Papa Roach)  
  
Cut my life into pieces  
  
This is my last resort  
  
Suffocation, no breathing  
  
Don't give a f*** if I cut my arm bleeding  
  
Macnair: This is my last resort  
  
Rookwood: Cut my life into pieces  
  
I've reached my last resort  
  
Suffocation, no breathing  
  
Don't give a f*** if I cut my arm bleeding  
  
Do you even care if I die bleeding?  
  
Bellatrix: Would it be wrong, would it be right?  
  
If I took my life tonight  
  
Chances are that I might  
  
Mutilation out of sight  
  
And I'm contemplating suicide  
  
All: Cause I'm losing my sight  
  
Losing my mind  
  
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine  
  
Losing my sight  
  
Losing my mind  
  
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine  
  
Nott: Nothing's alright  
  
Crabbe: Nothing is fine  
  
All: I'm running and I'm crying  
  
Goyle: I never realized I was spread to thin  
  
Till it was too late  
  
And I was empty within  
  
Hungry, feeding on chaos and living in sin  
  
Downward spiral  
  
Where do I begin?  
  
Malfoy: It all started when I lost my mother  
  
No love for myself  
  
And no love for another  
  
Searching, to find a love upon a higher level  
  
Finding, nothing but questions and devils  
  
All: Cause I'm losing my sight  
  
Losing my mind  
  
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine  
  
Losing my sight  
  
Losing my mind  
  
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine  
  
Nott: Nothing's alright  
  
Crabbe: Nothing is fine  
  
All: I'm running and I'm crying  
  
Bellatrix: I  
  
Rookwood: Can't  
  
Goyle: Go  
  
Lestrange: On  
  
Malfoy: Li-  
  
Macnair: Ving  
  
Nott: This  
  
Crabbe: Way  
  
Bellatrix: Can't  
  
Rookwood: Go  
  
Goyle: On  
  
Malfoy: Li-  
  
Macnair: Ving  
  
Nott: This  
  
Crabbe: Way  
  
Bellatrix: No-  
  
Rookwood: Thing's  
  
Goyle: All  
  
All: RIGHT!!  
  
Malfoy shot himself after mysteriously having found out how to work a gun, Nott hung himself and all the others used Avada Kedavra on themselves. If only they had waited for one more minute.  
  
Outside the cell.  
  
Dementor #1: What was that sound?  
  
Dementor #2: That, was the sound of an angsty songfic gone wrong.  
  
Dementor #1: O_O HOLY S***!! I think I'm going to be sick.  
  
Dementor #2: Might as well. No one else bothers coming here, so we're going to have to clean up the bodies too before the flies come.  
  
Dementor #1 gets sick on the floor and the flies start their migration from their vacation spot in Japan.  
  
End Scene 3  
  
Review damnit. 


	4. Act 1 Scene 4 Middle of the Middle Pt 2

Act 1, Scene 4  
Guess what day it is! It's Snape's Day of the Damned! September 1st! And all you who have read any of the first few chapters of the previous five books know what that means. Harry woke up and hit his head on the ceiling yelling "WOOHOO!! I get to go to school today!!"  
  
Then he was pelted with trash and empty Coke cans by some random kids on the street who didn't like school. You know, the normal people.  
  
Harry: Aphrodite? You're over 17 right?  
  
Aphrodite: Hell yeah.  
  
Harry: Could you hit those normal kids out there with some kind of curse?  
  
Aphrodite: Sure. Crucio!  
  
The normal kids writhed in pain before being swept up by the street cleaner and everyone was ignoring the fact that she couldn't have known how to do that curse because of her severe lack of magical education. But everyone else gets away with it, so why shouldn't she?  
  
At King's Cross.  
  
Aphrodite: So what the heck am I supposed to do while you're at school?  
  
Harry: I don't think you could come with me. You know. being in the body of one of the most notorious wizards ever to run through the halls in his underwear as part of a seventh year prank with only a Spider Man mask to hide his identity. But of course everyone knew it was him.  
  
Aphrodite: What the heck are you talking about?  
  
Harry: Snape! Quit hacking into my brains!  
  
Many miles away at Hogwarts  
  
Snape: . Sheet.  
  
Back at King's Cross  
  
Ron: Hi Harry!  
  
Hermione: Hi!  
  
Harry: You guys still never sent me any owls.  
  
Ron: .  
  
Hermione: No comment.  
  
Harry: I demand an explanation before teen angst kicks in.  
  
Ron: But even if we explain, you'll yell at us anyway.  
  
Harry: WILL YOU STOP GIVING ME LAME EXCUSES?! HOW HARD IS IT TO ANSWER SUCH A SIMPLE QUESTION?!?!  
  
Ron: MY OWL WENT INSANE, OKAY?!??!  
  
Harry cries, setting off a chain reaction that makes all the toddlers within a one mile radius bawl incessantly.  
  
Harry: Why does everyone have to be so mean to me? WHY?!?  
  
Ron: But you were just screaming at.  
  
Harry: DON'T YOU INTERRUPT ME!!  
  
Hermione: So who's your friend that looks oddly like You-Know-Who?  
  
Harry: It is, but it isn't.  
  
Hermione: What?  
  
Harry: Voldemort shocked himself on the dog fence and switched bodies with Aphrodite, the Ancient Greek love goddess.  
  
Hermione: Oh. Well that makes perfect sense.  
  
Harry: Do me a favor and make the Dursleys' life a living hell for me.  
  
Aphrodite: Sure thing.  
  
Mr. Dursley: I heard that!!!  
  
Aphrodite transports Mr. and Mrs. Dursley to Woodstock.  
  
At Woodstock  
  
Mrs. Dursley: Where are we? Why are we surrounded by hippies on drug trips?  
  
Mr. Dursley: No clue.  
  
Aphrodite: And now for the fun part!  
  
She screws with their brains with the Imperius Curse and makes them hippies on drug trips too! Picture that without laughing. Do it. Now.  
  
Hermione: Um.yeah. Maybe we should get on the train now. Before it leaves and you guys have to drive into the Whomping Willow again.  
  
Harry: Genius! You were always the smart one!  
  
Hermione blushes. They get on the train that is once again visible to everyone once it gets out of Platform 9 and ¾.  
  
In the station  
  
Random Muggle #1: I say, where did that train come from?  
  
Random Muggle #2: What train? You made us miss our train again?!  
  
Random Muggle #1: No, no. I meant that red train with pink smoke and a bunch of oddly dressed children in black robes with sticks that shoot sparks out of the end and do strange things to whatever they're pointed at.  
  
Random Muggle #2: They look funny. They must be punks on their way to a Nirvana concert.  
  
Random Muggle #1: But what about the sparkly sticks?  
  
Random Muggle #2: They're glowsticks! Those punks love their candy and techno music. Oh, and they're such sports fanatics too! Them in their little cheerleader uniforms and such with pom poms. That is, if they feel like going out. Some weekends they just stay home and update their websites or play games with dragons and medieval things.  
  
Random Muggle #1: Where did you go to high school?  
  
Random Muggle #2: I'm a kindergarten dropout.  
  
Random Muggle #1: Are you from Texas by any chance?  
  
Random Muggle #2: How did ya'll know? (No offence to anyone from Texas!)  
  
Random Muggle #1: -_-  
  
On the train  
  
Cho: Hey Harry.  
  
Ginny: Hey Harry.  
  
Random Girl: Hello Harry.  
  
Harry: O.O *thinking* Did I just get hit by the train? Because this sounds a lot like fanfiction Heaven.  
  
Ginny: Hello? Anybody in there?  
  
Cho: I knew it! You hate me! Well I hate you too! WAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Cho runs away crying.  
  
Random Girl: I'm leaving. And you're a loser.  
  
Ginny: See you Harry.  
  
Random Girl and Ginny leave.  
  
Harry: That was fast. Ron? Why are you hiding under the seat?  
  
Ron: I was worried this would turn into another one of them bloody romance scenes. Harry: No. But I wonder why those girls ran off so fast?  
  
Hermione: Yeah.I wonder.  
  
Behind her back, she hides a sign that reads "BACK OFF, HE'S MINE!!!!" that she had been holding behind him.  
  
End Scene 4 


	5. Act 2 Scene 1 Mandatory Karaoke

Act 2 Scene 1  
  
Chapter 5: The Mandatory Karaoke Contest  
  
The students filed into the Great Hall to sit down and eat. What about the sorting? No one cares about the little first years anyway. The last time they seriously affected the plot was three or four books ago. So after the first years magically appeared at separate tables, Dumbledore arose to give his start of term speech.  
  
"Greetings, welcome back all of you! Due to the recent events of Voldemort returning to power and most of his Death Eaters offing themselves, not really sure if that's a good or bad thing because this leaves some of you orphans, we're going to have a karaoke contest! Nothing like blowing out one's ear drums with the sound of dying giraffes to get your mind off of things of a slightly less unpleasant nature. Would anyone like to go first?"  
  
A spotlight that hadn't existed until a few seconds ago turned itself on right over Snape's oily head. No, not in that way you perverts.  
  
"Snape, I believe the great Mind Reading Spotlight thinks you have something you would like to express in song."  
  
Snape glared his evil glare of evilness and vaporized one of those worthless first years before using the grease dripping from his head to propel himself out in front of the Head Table. An annoying late 90s pop beat filters itself throughout the Great Hall as Snape starts to sing with another evil glare of evilness that incinerates the remaining first years.  
  
Snape: Oh baby baby  
  
How was I supposed to know  
  
That something wasn't right  
  
Oh baby baby  
  
I shouldn't have let you go  
  
But now you're right outside  
  
Show me how you want it to be  
  
Tell me baby cause I need to know now  
  
Oh because  
  
My loneliness is killing me  
  
And I  
  
I must confess I still believe (still believe)  
  
That you'll be with me one more time  
  
Give me your sign  
  
Hit me baby one more time  
  
The students laughed nervously, wondering who in their right mind would want to get that close to Snape. Minerva McGonagall was one of those very few people, as they probably didn't want to find out. (Because she is right handed and the left side of the brain controls the right side of the body, so only left handed people are ever truly in their right mind. Or possibly ambidextrous peeps with multiple personalities.)  
  
Snape: Oh baby baby  
  
My reason to breathe is you  
  
Boy you've got me flying  
  
Minerva chuckled, thinking that her Sevvie as he is called in all respectable romance fics, was just going by the original lyrics. If only this wasn't a slash parody. If that hint was at all useful.  
  
Snape: Oh baby baby there's nothing that I wouldn't do  
  
That's not the way I'm playing  
  
Show me how you want it to be  
  
Tell me baby cause I need to know now  
  
Oh because  
  
My loneliness is killing me  
  
And I  
  
I must confess I still believe (still believe)  
  
That you'll be with me one more time  
  
Give me your sign  
  
Hit me baby one more time  
  
The homophobes at the Slytherin table start to get nervous. No, I won't raise the rating again you anti-slash people. Don't read this if you know you hate it so much.  
  
Snape: Oh baby baby  
  
How was I supposed to know  
  
Oh baby baby  
  
I shouldn't have let you go  
  
I must confess, that my loneliness, is killing me now  
  
Don't you know I still believe  
  
That you will be here  
  
And give me your sign  
  
Hit me baby one more time  
  
My loneliness is killing me  
  
And I  
  
I must confess I still believe (still believe)  
  
That you'll be with me one more time  
  
Give me your sign  
  
Hit me baby one more time  
  
The music stopped and Snape went back to his seat using his greasy, greasy head juices to his advantage. But the Mind Reading Spotlight wouldn't go shine on someone else. Snape: Okay, I've just completely humiliated myself in front of this worthless hunch of students. Can you get this off of me? My hair's starting to bubble."  
  
Maybe he should have washed his hair and just walked in front of the table. Like normal people do.  
  
Snape glares an evil glare of evilness at the author.  
  
Or maybe not.  
  
Dumbledore: It wants to know who that was for, and I think that most of the students and faculty would also like to.  
  
Snape: None of your business. Now get this thing off of me.  
  
The fleas on his head are now using it as a deep fryer.  
  
Snape: If these fleas get fat enough, they can sue me!  
  
Dumbledore: Then tell us.  
  
Snape: No.  
  
Dumbledore: I'll tell them something that they probably have already guessed about you. Snape: Fine. It was *grumbles*  
  
Dumbledore: Who? Speak up Severus. We can't hear you.  
  
Snape: But I said it!  
  
Dumbledore: The fleas are about to get heart attacks.  
  
Snape: It was Mr. Plum, in the dining room, with a knife.  
  
Dumbledore: ?  
  
Snape: FINE!!!! IT WAS JAMES FREAKING WHATEVER HIS MIDDLE NAME IS POTTER!!! HAPPY NOW??????/!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Dead silence.  
  
Dumbledore: Yes, quite. The Mind Reading Spotlight will now take another victim. The spotlight moves away from Snape and onto Cho Chang. For those of you in the audience who haven't read the rest of the karaoke fics before, karaoke+Cho Chang+let's put in Evanescence because it's cool and everyone else is doing it!=My Immortal! A songfic about who Cho has hooked up with everything with a Y chromosome because she misses Cedric so much. It's sure to bring a tear of either laughter, boredom or sadness to everyone in the Great Hall's eyes, either semi voluntarily or by other means. Cho gets up and walks in front of the High Table with only five feet of aid at the end from Snape's hair grease.  
  
Cho: If anyone doesn't know who this is for, you're an idiot.  
  
A piano solo serenades the hall, coming from seemingly nowhere. No, it's just the techies in the back. Go techies.  
  
Cho: I'm so tired of being here  
  
Suppressed by all my childish fears  
  
If you have to leave  
  
I wish that you would just leave  
  
Cause your presence still lingers here  
  
And it won't leave me alone  
  
These wounds won't seem to heal  
  
This pain is just too real  
  
There's just too much that time cannot erase  
  
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
  
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears  
  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
  
But you still have  
  
All of me  
  
Very few of the students were saddened by this enough to cry, yet they noticed that it seemed to be raining on their plates. And their eyes were the only place the moisture could be coming from.  
  
Harry: Woah, I'm leaking.  
  
Under the tables, the author hypnotizes Gollum from LOTR to think that an onion he is holding is the One Ring. Why they call it the one ring when there are actually multiple rings is beyond me. Maybe this one was prettier. Or everyone in that story is blind on some level.  
  
Gollum: My preecccciouuussssssssssssssssssss. You smell funny.  
  
Cho: You used to captivate me by your resonating light  
  
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind  
  
Your face it haunts  
  
My once pleasant dreams  
  
Your voice it chased away  
  
All the sanity in me  
  
These wounds won't seem to heal  
  
This pain is just too real  
  
There's just too much that time cannot erase  
  
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
  
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears  
  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
  
But you still have  
  
All of me  
  
(Enter the violins)  
  
Cho: I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
  
But though you're still with me  
  
I've been alone all along  
  
Harry: This isn't funny. I'm starting too feel not only dehydrated by also demasculated . I'm crying in front of all these damn people! Noooo!!!  
  
Now the genuine crying sets in.  
  
Cho: When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
  
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears  
  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
  
But you still have  
  
All of meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh  
  
Of meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh  
  
Of meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh  
  
The piano's last haunting chords echoed throughout the Great Hall as the students freaked out over their loss of water. The Mind Reading Spotlight was afraid of Cho, though it did not know who that song was for, so it moved onto another victim. And that victim was.  
  
Draco: Me? Why me? My dad just shot himself! WITH A MUGGLE GUN NO LESS!!! Can't you just leave me alone?!  
  
Dumbledore: No.  
  
Draco: Fine. But it's going to get angsty.  
  
Gollum: Yay! Angst!  
  
Draco: What was that?  
  
Gollum: Nothing.  
  
Draco: Oh. Okay.  
  
Draco slides along Snape's grease trail and arrives in front to start his song. A violin and electric guitar start the next song. (I'm With You-Avril Lavigne. The only thing that's really angst provoking about this song is listening to her voice.)  
  
Draco: I'm standing on the bridge  
  
I'm waiting in the dark  
  
I thought that you'd be here by now  
  
There's nothing but the rain  
  
No footsteps on the ground  
  
I'm listening but there's no sound  
  
Isn't anyone trying to find me?  
  
Won't somebody come take me home?  
  
Ron: Who would want to take you home?  
  
Gollum: Gollum would.  
  
Ron: O_O I'm not even going to ask.  
  
Draco: It's a damn cold night  
  
Trying to figure out this life  
  
Won't you take me by the hand take me somewhere new  
  
I don't know who you are but I  
  
I'm with you  
  
I'm with you  
  
I'm looking for a place  
  
I'm searching for a face  
  
Is anybody here I know?  
  
Cause nothing's going right  
  
And everything's a mess  
  
And no one likes to be alone  
  
Isn't anyone trying to find me?  
  
Won't somebody please take me home?  
  
Ginny: I would!  
  
The entire Gryffyndor table stares in shock.  
  
Gollum: B****.  
  
Ginny: What was that?  
  
Gollum: Gollum is going to murder you. Rip your intestines out through your mouth and stomp on them until you scream and bleed to death in a pool of your own filth and excrement.  
  
Ginny: Oh. It's just those voices in my head again. Shut up or I'll poke you with a Q-Tip! Draco: It's a damn cold night  
  
Trying to figure out this life  
  
Won't you take me by the hand take me somewhere new  
  
I don't know who you are but I  
  
I'm with you  
  
I'm with you  
  
Why is everything so confusing?  
  
Maybe I'm just out of my mind  
  
WARNING: FIVE SECONDS TO PUBERTY  
  
Draco: Yeah yeah 4  
  
Yeah 3  
  
Yeah 2  
  
Yeah 1  
  
YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHSSKLFNVANEIGHGHERKGNC,VNAWEHFNFHLN FLDFNWEAFUOENFHFWJENDLKAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!  
  
Windows shatter, but repair themselves as Draco morphs into duh duh duh! A teenage mutant ninja Prefect!  
  
Draco: It's a damn *squeak* COLD night  
  
*really low* Trying to figure out *squeak* this life  
  
*sounds like someone swallowed helium* Won't you take me by the hand take me somewhere new  
  
I don't know who you are but I  
  
I'm with you  
  
I'm with you  
  
Take me by the hand take me somewhere new  
  
I don' know who you are but I  
  
I'm with you  
  
I'm with you  
  
I'm with you  
  
Gollum: Is it over? I think Gollum has gone deaf.  
  
Draco slides back to the Slytherins, who all move away from him so they won't catch the ugly teenage mutant Prefect virus. The Mind Reading Spotlight broke from the noise going on under it. But with its last ray of functioning light, it pointed to Neville to be its next contestant. Neville just walks instead of being overly lazy like everyone else. Finally a cool song comes on as guitar, drums and bass guitar fill the air with their early 90s grunge rock beat, the well known chords of Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana. Neville: Load up on guns and bring your friends  
  
It's fun to lose and to pretend  
  
She's over bored and self assured  
  
Oh no I know a dirty word  
  
Dumbledore: Okay, let's just go to sleep now. Nobody cares about that sixth year who shouldn't have passed first year anyway.  
  
Neville: *sniff*  
  
Gollum: Aww. I liked that song. 


	6. Act 2 Scene 2 Look Ma, No Brains!

Begin Act II Scene 2, Chapter 6: Look Ma, No Brains!  
  
The students once again assembled in the Great Hall the next day for breakfast as owls shat in their food while delivering their schedules and mail and other such stuff.  
  
Harry: This is odd. Defense Against the Dark Arts all morning.  
  
Ron: Me too.  
  
Dean: Me too. And so do all of the guys in Gryffyndor, Hufflepuff, Slytherin and Ravenclaw. And all of their girlfriends.  
  
Hermione: So do I. I wonder why that is?  
  
In Defense Against the Dark Arts.  
  
They entered the unusually large room to find that all the said crowd of sixth years was present, in addition to a woman who looked about 20, but was probably older than that to be of age to qualify as a teacher. She looked almost like a non Barbie like vela with a perfect figure and height, long red hair with natural blonde highlights and eyes that changed color every few seconds.  
  
"Hello", she said in a hypnotically sweet voice. "I am your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Mary Sue Jade Raven Ellen Ruby Emerald Rachel Fern Esmerelda Crystal Amethyst Flora Diana Jane Opal Topaz Ashley Melanie Alyson Linda Alexis Monica Jessica Karen Jenny Veronica Joanne Lyra Melissa Kathleen Aurora Michelle Diamond Sapphire Tonya Lisa Molly Anne Kristen Victoria Kelly Polaris Winter Rose Autumn Danielle Summer Erin Cara Spring Mia Christina Lauren Augusta Sophie Lia Amy Sarah Annie Lola Samantha Nicole Daria Malia Isabel Flame Kaitlin Storm Jaimie Cameron Mariah Chaotica Cheez-Wiz® Some-Name-That-No-One-But-The-Author-Knows-How- To-Pronounce Boyfriendstealer. But you can call me Professor Mary Sue. I'm from America, if you couldn't tell by my lack of a British accent. I'm over 200, but everyone says I look eighteen. I defeated Voldemort's brother in a duel and kicked his ass to Antarctica. I would do the same for Voldemort, but my Mary Sue senses can't find him for some reason. They said he was in Greece, but he must have been hiding in a tree or something when I looked. But I can always get him when he comes back to Britain. Anyway, this lesson we will be practicing Death Curses.  
  
The boys in the class were wearing identical blank stares and drooling on their desks, making their girlfriends visibly jealous. Hermione raised her hand.  
  
Mary Sue: Yes Hermione?  
  
Hermione: 1. How did you know my name? 2. Aren't Death Curses illegal?  
  
Mary Sue: I know your name because I'm Mary Sue and I'm prefect and I know EVERYTHING. I won't tell about the Death Curses if you don't.  
  
All the boys: We won't tell!  
  
Mary Sue: I'm sure at least some of you have seen your parents do this to Muggles, or in Harry's case have had it done to you. But for those of us who have been living on Mars with our eyes taped shut and our fingers in our ears, let's review.  
  
She pointed her finger (she hadn't had to use a wand since she was six months old, five days after she read the seventh year textbooks and was easily able to do all of the spells in them, a week after she figured out how a way around Underage Wizard laws) at an anonymous Ravenclaw sixth year and said the incantation.  
  
Mary Sue: AVADA KEDAVRA!  
  
Anonymous sixth year student drops dead and the class cheers.  
  
Ron: I never did like them anyway.  
  
Hermione: Do you even know their name?  
  
Ron: No. That's one of the things that ticked me off. Being all anonymous and stuff. How dare they? But Mary Sue showed them.  
  
Hermione: *sigh*  
  
After class.  
  
Ron: Professor Mary Sue is a genius! She could do that flying spell we learned in first year!  
  
Hermione: I could do that charm before either of you and you called me a nerd. Harry: *drool* I don't like Cho anymore.  
  
Cho runs off and goes on another one of her sobbing sprees with this week's boyfriend. Ron: Forget it mate. She's too bloody old for you. I, on the other hand am a few months older than you.  
  
Hermione: She's 200 years older than either of you!  
  
Harry + Ron: So?  
  
Random Old Kid Who Kept Failing 6th Year: Not for me. I've got a 100 year head start on both of you. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! *drops dead*  
  
Harry: Not anymore. Yay! *skips off to Transfiguration*  
  
Transfiguration..  
  
McGonagall: All of the bogus rules that Professor Umbridge made up are void this year so Harry can play Quidditch again. But we're going to have try outs tonight to replace Angelina Johnson and the Weasley twins. Plus I should hope we can get a better Keeper.  
  
Ron: *sniff* That hurt my dangerously fragile feelings.  
  
Seamus: But you suck.  
  
Ron: Shut up! Mary Sue might hear that!!  
  
Dean: Ha ha.  
  
McGonagall: Today we're going to transfigure classmates into chamberpots.  
  
She points her wand at Crabbe.  
  
McGonagall: Dookeyface.  
  
Crabbe turns into a giant chamberpot and the class takes turns depositing their excrement in his wide open mouth.  
  
Ron: Eat my shit Crabbe.  
  
Harry: Malfoy, I thought Crabbe was your friend. Why are you taking a whiz in his mouth?  
  
Draco: My father's dead so who cares about the rules?  
  
Harry: So your dad was one of those Death Eaters that hung themselves in Azkaban even though the doors were open and they easily could have escaped because the Dementors were coming to get them?  
  
Draco: Not exactly. The dishonorable jerk shot himself. With a Muggle gun no less!!! Hermione: See I told you Muggles could be good for something.  
  
Draco: Maybe you're right. Want to go to the Halloween dance with me?  
  
Ron: Since when was there a Halloween dance?  
  
Draco: Since Dumbledore didn't think that the Karaoke thing cheered people up enough. I wonder why? Didn't they like my song?  
  
Harry: Um...  
  
Hermione: Sure.  
  
Seamus: Dookeyface.  
  
Seamus was unsuccessfully trying to turn Goyle into a chamber pot when he set himself on fire instead. Again.  
  
Seamus: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! My hand is melting! It burns! It burns!!!!  
  
Potions.  
  
Ron: Haha! I don't have to take this anymore!  
  
Harry: Shut up. Just shut up.  
  
Hermione: You didn't have to take this class if you didn't want to.  
  
Harry: No, I have to take it so I can be an Auror, kill Voldemort and his extended step family and any other slightly dark witch or wizard, impress Mary Sue or some other hot girl, get married, have kids and live happily ever after. Or possibly die the day before retiring. Man that would suck.  
  
Hermione: You've come close on several occasions without the title of Auror. Harry: Why does everyone have to contradict me?! WHY?????!!!!!!!!  
  
Draco: What are you doing in this class?! I thought you had to get an O on your OWLS to be in here!  
  
Harry: Wait, I never looked at my owl scores!  
  
4 Privet Drive.  
  
Aphrodite finally notices the mail that is piling up after her 72 hour videogame fest. Aphrodite: Bills, bills, junk mail, anthrax, bills, bills, a dead squirrel, Harry's OWL scores? Hmm. Moral dilemma. Should I see how bad he did or should I just send him the scores?  
  
Being in Voldemort's body tends to cause a tilt in conscience. She ripped open the letter and let out a delightful squeal at reading the results.  
  
Aphrodite: Oh man! I didn't know it was possible to flunk that bad!  
  
Then she went to go post his results on every muggle chatroom they internet possessed, send owls to everyone in Great Britain and sent a Howler with the results to Harry. Back in Potions..  
  
Snape: Hello class, now that the OWLS have weeded out all of the idiots and undesirables.what the hell are you still doing here?  
  
Harry: I forgot to look at my OWL scores, but I think I did well enough or else I wouldn't be in this class.  
  
Snape: This.can't .be.happening!  
  
His mind flashes back to those wonderful memories of James hanging him upside down in the air and emptying his pockets of all things resembling change. James had always had a funny way of showing affection. But Sevvie was sure that he loved him even though he was attached at the hip to Lily Evans and married her and made Harry and all that good stuff. But he was just playing hard to get. An owl swoops in and out through the window and drops a package on Snape's greasy head. It opens itself and yells from deep within somewhere. "HARRY POTTER FLUNKED HIS OWLS AND HE FLUNKED THEM LIKE NO TROLL HAS EVER FLUNKED BEFORE! THE ONLY A HE GOT WAS IN DIVINATION AND HE GOT AN E IN CHARMS AND WAAAY FAILED EVERYTHING ELSE! HE GOT ZEROES IN ALL THE REST OF THE SUBJECTS!! WHAT A LOSER! POINT AND LAUGH AT HIM! LORD VOLDEMORT COMMANDS IT!!"  
  
The letter exploded on Snape's head, setting it on fire. So he ran around the classroom screaming "I'm on fire! I'm on fire! AAAAAAAAAHHH!!! It burns!!" Hermione, being the sickeningly perfect little Prefect that she is, put out the fire with a simple spell that shot a stream of water at his head. He blinked, apparently either shocked that Hermione had saved him or that he wasn't burning anymore. Or maybe he just didn't like water.  
  
Snape: You made me wash my hair! And you!  
  
He pointed to Harry with a glazed but wide eyed expression.  
  
Snape: How did you pass OWLS?! And why would you know the Dark Lord?!  
  
A maniacal grin spread over his face, as if he head just realized some elaborate assassination plot.  
  
Snape: You're not really Harry Potter, are you?  
  
Harry: No.  
  
Harry unzipped his costume to reveal some really old guy from a black and white movie. Harry: I'm Mr. Potter from "It's a Wonderful Life"!  
  
Snape: Then what are you doing in my class?  
  
Harry: I'm not really Mr. Potter either.  
  
He unzipped the gray 40's movie excerpt costume.  
  
Harry: I'm the Ghost of Christmas Presents! You're all getting owl pellets this year! Snape: Is that all?  
  
His eye twitched, indicating that his mind was about to snap.  
  
Harry: No, actually I'm *zip* James Potter!  
  
The class laughed, remembering the previous night's karaoke session. You could hear the snapping of Snape's mind for miles. It was so loud that it caused a chain reaction of mind snapping that extended to as far away as Siberia, where the flies were presently positioned in their migration from Japan. In later years when the asylum population increase ebbed and halted, it would be known as the Snap Heard Round the World.  
  
Snape: James! I thought you were dead!  
  
He hugged Harry, who was freaking out under his costume.  
  
Harry: Hermione! Help! I can't get the zipper unstuck!  
  
But Hermione was too busy flirting with Draco.  
  
Snape: I've missed you so much James. How about a makeout session for old times' sake?  
  
Harry: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1  
  
Just in time, Mary Sue burst through the door and zapped Snape with some kind of insanity reversal curse.  
  
Snape: O_O Uh oh. Pretend none of you saw that!  
  
Harry: My mouth has been violated in the worst way!  
  
Mary Sue: Snape, you evil disgusting pervy Death Eater.  
  
Snape: What? What did I? Oh holy heck NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!  
  
End Act II Scene 2 Chapter 6  
  
Pleeeeeeeeease review! 


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